Something I find endlessly interesting is how we as people seek to uphold a positive sense of ourselves. Call it our egos, our sense of worth, self-esteem, whatever. Western society in particular teaches us to constantly look outside of ourselves to find our value—we look to our Strava times, our bank accounts, our Tinder matches to gauge how good to feel about ourselves. It is so easy to be swept up into the rollercoaster of externally-based self-esteem with all of its highs and lows. When our outer world is giving us positive feedback, there is no better feeling, unfortunately this also leaves us susceptible to the inevitable negative feedback as well.
I view healthy self-esteem to be a spiritual belief: that on a fundamental level, we are no better or no worse than anyone around us. It is the understanding that there is nothing we can do that will change our inherent value (you can read more of my thoughts on healthy self-esteem here). As simple as this concept is, it is incredibly challenging, and takes minute to minute practice.
In my life I feel I have gone from finding self-worth from report cards, to sports, to my body, to dating, to career. I am fascinated by how as we practice letting go of one area where we pull self-worth externally, our brains often sneakily substitute something new. It’s like when I catch my dog Marvin chewing one of my socks, and he replaces it with a pair of my underwear as soon as I look away. It would be hilarious if it wasn’t so frustrating.
And so, this new series “Good Enough” will be an exploration on the question of what this statement means in various areas of our lives. What does it mean to be a “good enough” friend, partner, therapist, dog-owner, apartment-dweller, writer, body-haver?
My intention is to make space to sleuth out all of the sneaky ways I put way too much pressure on myself. My hope is that some of this might be relatable, and that we can help each other catch a break from being so damn hard on ourselves.
3 Things that Help
This article in the New York Times on self-compassion. I have sent this to countless clients and re-share it every Valentines Day.
Tara Brach’s Radical Compassion RAIN meditation practice.
Learn more about why self-criticism doesn’t work as a motivator.